Post exam curiosities...

The exams are over. For now. Last Friday I had an important exam. They piled us into the gymnasium-turned-examination hall, and began distributing the tests. Just minutes before nervous students were frantically revising outside, filling their short term memory with information that will evaporate as soon as they leave the room. Sometimes I'm truly amazed at the bullshit that comes out of my pen during exam time. How do I manage to become this creative to fill out pages and pages with volumes of pseudo-intellectual garbage barely held together by a flimsy skeleton of random half-accurate references? This particular exam was no different, I wrote unceasingly from the beginning till the end. One excercise was numerical in nature, and though my accounts did not balance - I think I did ok overall. I hate those people who when asked how they did say "I did horrible" and then they get an 80. If you know you did well, say so, don't pretend to be a victim.

There was a man in the examination hall. Suited & booted, tall, broad shouldered, caucasian with features that kept my looks off my paper for a while and could easily get him featured in a Marlboro commercial. He was one of the professors at the school, although I never had any classes with him. He manouvered his way around the desks, checking with exceptional dilligence and scrutiny whether any of us dared to bring forbidden aids to the exam. He squinted at pencil cases, picked them up, examined them in his large hands and put them on the floor. The stern and serious look never left his face, and when he made a short announcement the tone of his voice commanded attention and carried authority. After the exam, when we were still seated at our desks waiting for the papers to be collected, my attention was redirected to him automatically. People were beginning to chat to one another comparing answers, as they would, and I just sat there, relieved to have finished and mesmerized by what I was witnessing. The head professor made a request for everyone to stay seated and be quiet. The invigilator started approaching individual students who were chatting and telling them to be quiet. I watched every step he made and observed his facial expression with such intensity, aware that the moment would soon end. The level of frustration in his narrowing eyes grew and grew as students continued to chat in various scattered locations and he was obviously unable to stop this slowly increasing murmur. He however kept on swiftly walking from desk to desk, from group to group, persisting on telling as many people as possible not to converse and each time it was done with more fervor, impatience, frustration and intensity. He was becoming like some crazed charicature of an evil professor from a Pink Floyd song, and oblivious to anyone but me, he was approaching boiling point. Everyone else was distracted, but I was held prisoner, frozen by this momentary inconspicuous spectacle. Two seats in front of me a Chinese girl started chatting in to her classmate. The prof leaped over there from nowhere, like a large cat, stood over her, stooping down so that his eyes, just inches from hers became frighteningly intimidating, his expression furious, and he spit out loud enough for everyone to hear "you, shut up!" It was incredible. I found that whole moment so extremely exhilirating and was captivated by it. It's taken me a day and a half to shake it off. It was such an intense experience, and yet all I did was watch passively. in the end he finally gave up and walked away from the students, over to the examinator tables and began counting the exam papers, burning off steam.

Later I found out about that man. He is an author of one of the best selling and widely used textbooks on investment & finance in the UK & the world, he is a doctor, and predominantly works with PhD students. To watch a person of such esteemed status and position feel so powerless was incredible.

An Intense Day in Arizona

Last night a US congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords (D) was shot, and 6 other people killed in Tuscon, AZ. I reacted to this unusually strongly. I know a family who lives in Tuscon, a family that I love. They are actually Republican, and pretty conservative, but they are also loving, accepting and intelligent. We've been arguing about the appropriate responses to this tragedy as we tracked the progress of Giffords in the hospital via the news. I have spent some wonderful times with them when I lived in the US. Yes the killer was a mentally disturbed nutter (but wasn't also Hitler?) and he did not mention Sarah Palin in his rants. But he was certainly from the anti-establishment, anarchist fringe of the political spectrum. I don't think it will be as easy to separate this incident from the hate-filled political spirit that's been interwoven in the recent Republican, and especially Tea Party's rhetoric. I don't think Palin's unfortunate metaphorical references to "reload, aim and fire" uttered a last year before the election bear any real responsibility for this shooting. However, I do think the Tea Party's gone too far and it's hijacked the Republican Party way far to the right. And what's up with the gun laws? The case for liberal gun laws states that since law abiding citizens carry guns, it is safer to walk on the streets, knowing some law-abiding Joe will protect you with his Ruger 9mm semi-automatic when you are attacked. Really? Where were the law abiding gun carriers during the shooting of Congresswoman Giffords and 6 other people, including a girl born on 9/11? How come they didn't materialize? Is it because when there is a terrorist attack of this sort people don't think clearly and panic? Is it because people need special training to take down criminals, special training which allows them to think clearly in a highly emotional and disturbing situation?

I am upset at the thought that it could've been someone I know in that crowd. I am also upset at how easy it is to get a gun, go out and shoot at politicians. But I am also upset that the American right wing has the audacity to defend its rhetoric and attempt to turn this around and blame the other side! Hello? A liberal got shot! So what that the killer was a 22 year old nut, he chose to kill a Democrat, not a Republican. Perhaps he found comfort in the Tea Party calls to abolish this government and took it as a personal responsibility? Aditionally, Sarah Palin's little map of targeted Democrates, who DARED to support Obama's healthcare reform bill, featured crosshairs on the locations where these Democratic reps live. Correct me if I'm wrong but the only place you normally see crosshairs are gun scopes, not maps. Gabrielle Giffords was one of the targets on the map. One down, nineteen to go?

trying not to panic

This morning my group, the group that insisted I be the leader of, brought on a major scare. The quality of the work submitted was really below my even mild expectations! Seriously, this is a Masters degree, esseys should contain references. Only one member showed up, and this is a guy who hasn't been with us from the beginning. He's Vietnamese and I'm really glad he came because he seems to be taking this seriously. I've been poring over financial statements of various banks and I feel like a forensic accountant already. I am still not even halfway done with my part of the assignment. I've agreed to take on the hardest part, the comparative case study, because I reckoned that if I end up doing most of the work I will only end up beneffiting from this experience. Meanwhile, yes I guess I am benefitting but I'm also stressing out because I haven't even begun revising for the dreadful corporate finance exam this Friday. That's in 5 days. Anyway, I better get back to work.

Looming deadlines

Today I finished my small dissertation. I only have to apply the cosmetic changes such as double space it, and arrange the references so they don't look so random. I also got an ok from my new boss to book another trip to Poland towards the end of the month. I'm going to see Tony and be with him for 5 days - a prospect that really fills me with joy & excitement! We have spent so little time together since our reunion. We'll have a great time together. Tony's birthday is coming up - I must remember to send a card tomorrow. One of my worst social iniquities I have ever committed was forgetting his birthday one year. He was so disappointed and hurt and I felt so self-absorbed and guilty...

I have an exam on the 14th in corporate finance, which will definitely be the hardest exam I will sit this course, then accounting on the 18th, and group project to be handed in by the 20th... I must plan carefully to be ready for it all. Today I also made a new friend - but I will write about that later.

I came across this little animation today from my friend in Sweden. Its profound in its simplicity and logic. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DmerYYdJDv0

Happy New Year 2011...women and the gay scene...

2011 feels like a lot, it's a brand new decade. My new years eve was pretty ok, nothing extraordinary. I dined alone in a Thai restaurant, which was slightly weird, as I was the only sole diner, but there was a table full of Americans nearby who filled the restaurant with enough of friendly banter, which was pleasant to listen to.

Then I hit Canal Street and that was my first time partying there, and well, it wasn't bad. I made friends with a Muslim guy called Ali in a low grade karaoke pub (Charlies..?). We both started laughing at some exessively behaving guy who was dancing to crappy karaoke music and then almost knocked Ali off his feet as he stumbled upon him. Ali was a nice guy, who of course wasn't out to his family. I just have to say I have very little respect for people of the young generation living in the West who aren't out. Yes, I'm aware of that powerful hold family can have on a person but seriously, we have one and only one life to live and if you're going to go through it lying to your family, you're not even respecting them, you're deceiving them. It's better to face their anger and a possible, but most likely temporary, rejection from the clan, than keep a phony peace built on a lie. Anyway, my new friend was 37 and just an average guy who was into coke. As far as I knew he snorted 3 lines. He didn't feel so hot later and I worried about him. Even offered me some, but I declined. Thanks but no thanks, I would never take hard drugs, god only knows what kind of internal damage they do to the brain, lungs, and all your cells. The street was full of people and it finally looked the way it did on Queer As Folk. It was fun to be there just that night and experience it seething with nightlife, clubbing and music. Nevertheless, I have become a rare visitor on the scene which is probably Alan's influence. He would feel so vindicated with the decision to end it with me if he knew I went to that forbidden, cursed, unholy place!

Note to straight females: I'm sorry if the following offends you but tough.

The scene was ok overall, my immediate complaint was with the amount of straight women there. Not that I have anything against straight women, but when it comes to the gay scene it seems like there are more of them than there are gay men. And I can distinguish the lesbian women from the rest. Some with friends, some with their boyfriends. Seriously hags, aren't there enough straight clubs for you? Do you have to take over our skimpy little scene as well? Do you have to pollute it with your loud, ill-mannered behavior? With your bleached blond hair, skinny or fat exposed legs, hoop earrings, overdone make-up, loud annoying squeaky high pitched, bellowing laughter hitting my eardrums so bad they want to bleed, clutching your little handbags and wearing skimpy dresses making you look like you actually forgot to get dressed, even if it's arctic freezing weather outside... I mean it, hags, stay away, you're not welcome there, and we only put up with you cause we have to. You make the street look chavy, trashy and cheap, and in case you forgot, since we can't go to 99% of the clubs to meet & have fun with other men, the scene is there for gays and lesbians, not hen dos and "normal people" wanting to experience an exotic evening with the freaks.

Ok, got that out of my system. Ali, my new friend, took me to the Eagle Bar which was so much more to my liking than the youth-filled Queer, or even the more sophisticated Velvet Bar. The Eagle was for real men, bears, muscles, moustaches and guys over 50. It was yummy there, and that's where I did the countdown and as midnight struck I drunkenly kissed some bear and wished him and then Ali & his friend a happy new year. Ali's friend joined us, whose name I don't recall. It was a guy who has a daughter, also Asian, and a lot more effeminate. He had slightly long hair and was acting like a woman for the most part. Nice enough. So after midnight I talked to 2 more people and walked home. I'm glad I did, there were just too many men for my liking there. Tony called on the way and we chatted for a while. I miss him a lot and I told him this must be the last New Years Eve we are apart.

At home I had an "Edward & Bella" marathon, watching Twilight, New Moon and Eclipse. Love that stuff, it was such a great hangover cure. That and Panadol Extra.

Back at Uni

My trip to Eastern Europe to see family was as anticipated, dramatic and busy. I was sick when I set out, I had this weird cold which this time left my throat alone, but gave me fever and this tight headache. My sinuses were also congested. I flew from Manchester to Munich. At the train station I met this American guy, Andrew, from Wisconsin. He first asked me something about the train, then we struck up a friendly conversation that lasted pretty much most of the way. It turned out we were both on the flight to Munich. He had a pretty interesting background. He was my age, and well, a lot more successful than I was. He was an engineer in the Navy, a broker, a project manager in Dubai, and now lives in Naples, Italy. He also happened to sit right in front of me on the plane. Can I just say that I find Americans the easiest people to converse with. And of all the countries I lived in and visited, I identify with America the most, deep inside. I can't help it, that state of things just is, I think I adopted a fictitious US identity long before I ever set my foot on that land.

We hectically changed planes in Munich and I got really sick on the flight to Warsaw. So sick that I in fact fainted for about 10 minutes. It was the combination of the rapidly decreasing air pressure we experienced during descend and my congested ears & sinuses. In a moment I felt incredibly weak and hot, and I was out. Good thing I had begun chatting to the friendly Spanish guy sitting next to me. He was flying to spend Christmas with his Polish girlfriend, and we had spoken about Spain, Poland and travels. He probably alerted the staff that something was wrong. It was a weird feeling. My ears hurt just before fainting but blacking out itself didn't hurt, it was like being given some strong anesthetic and slipping away. After I came to we were just landing and a nurse was sitting next to me. I never saw the Spanish guy again. They rushed me off the plane in an ambulance. I was walked off the plane and I remember all the passengers staring at me so intensely, boring their eyes into me. I felt weak and was apparently white as milk, but I knew I'd be ok. I was taken to the airport clinic and my blood pressure was 130/70 which apparently was ok.

I had a good time over the holidays, which wasn't free of drama. I had a fight with my mother because I went to visit my uncle with whom she doesn't speak. She's got good reasons not to see him, but I personally love my uncle and he's done lots for me in the past, and he's got no kids of his own (his only daughter died years ago) so I'm willing to overlook the mistakes he's been making regarding the family. But after my mother and I battled it out, I felt horrible. I guess I still have a conscience, so I went into her bedroom, hugged her and apologized. It felt good, and then we spent 45 minutes putting pictures of baby Lena on facebook. That's my little niece.

When I visited my uncle we had an amazing time walking on a frozen river. Wisla literally froze over, and high mounds of ice sheets formed as the river froze, it got warmer and the ice sheets began to float, then it froze over again. The result was a moon-like landscape. Truly fascinating.

It's almost Christmas

Hi there. It's almost Christmas, not that it carries any significance to me other than having to buy presents for my family and fly them across the water. And because I'm an unemployed student, I've added to my long list of experiences the experience of shopping at Primark. It wasn't as bad as some my better off friends made it out to be. They had a series of clothing that was going for the whole A&F/Holister look, axcept the prices were a tiny fraction of those real items, and to be fair they weren't all that bad. OK, I got some for myself. But also for my dad and brother in law. So after my Primark splurge I rant into my best friend and his girlfriend, and they both have serious flu. We didn't hug, we didn't even touch and when speaking I tactfully stood at a 2 foot distance. They weren't even into having lunch together, and they ALWAYS want to have a lunch together. Poor Karim, he could barely speak.

Now I'm at the library with my books, but instead of writing my report on risk management in Thai banks, I'm facebooking and blogging, because they're closing the libarary in and hour and a half and I hate doing these things from my small netbook at home. Tony called me from Las vegas and he arrived safely. It's a shame we won't be able to spend these holidays together. I'm going to miss him. I've taken First Defence twice today but I still feel as if my body is trying to fight the flu.

Primark isn't the strangest place I visited today. I've also been inside a Catholic Church. Damn that institution! What is very frustrating is that despite my blatant disaproval for everything they do and pure contempt of what they stand for, I am still having to play their fucking game. The only way to be a godfather to my little baby nice is to go to confession. I haven't done it yet, because the church was empty, but I'll have to. Speak to some stranger who claims some sick monopoly on communication with a fictional figure, about my "sins". How ridiculous. I don't even believe in sins, it's an abstact concept. Just like god or heaven and hell. It's pure politics and the church is nothing but a business. It should be taxed like a business, if I was an MP of any party I would ceryainly make that one of my campaign promises.